WESLEY SNIPES
For a man who has all the ingredients for being as big and untouchable as Denzel, Wesley Snipes came a little too close to becoming an inmate this year. Maybe you know Wesley Snipes for being a Playgirl cover boy in ‘98, or maybe you know him for his amazing teeth, but did you know that he avoided a court date in March that could have put him in jail for 16 years? The IRS has 800,000 pages in reports on him and he apparently didn’t pay taxes between 1999 and 2004. They also cite illegal refunds of over $12 million before 1999. He goes to court in January to answer these allegations.
All this and he was in three straight-to-DVD movies this year. The embarrassing Hard Luck, in which Wesley plays a drug dealer, couldn’t say it better. The others, Chaos and The Contractor, are basically the same movie: guns, girls, explosions, zero acting. He hasn’t made a decent movie since Blade: Trinity in ’04, and that wasn’t even a decent movie. Mr. Snipes, welcome to the ranks Robert Hatch, Crocodile Dundee and the lead singer of Everclear.
DANE COOK
How does a respectable rising comedian with an outstanding sense of how to market himself to youngsters become a complete and utter disgrace to his own fans? We could ask Dane Cook, but he’d answer with some long story disguised as a joke, filled with a bunch of over-annunciated words. He’d pace back and forth in a circle, Sufi-ing us all into a stupor, punching bees in the face and eating “banana sangwiches.” Funny stuff, Dane, but that’s not an answer. How is it that you’ve become a parody of yourself?
In his most recent DVD, the unbearable Rough Around the Edges: Live from Madison Square Garden, released just last week, Cook doesn’t even tell whole jokes; he just throws out punch lines from old ones and waits for the screams to quiet. He’s tapped into every 15-year-old girl’s need to have inside jokes with everyone. But that’s not enough. He has to clown his way into movies now. Cook was terrible in Employee of the Month, outrageously appalling in Mr. Brooks (don’t rent it if you haven’t already) and his name in the upcoming Bachelor No. 2 is “Tank.”
Dane Cook is one silly bitch.
DON KING
Don King did bring a major boxing event to Bridgeport but made a total ass of himself in the process. At a press conference for the WBA fight at Harbor Yard this summer, he said things like, “Here we are in Bridgeport, the…uh… city of bridges! And we’re here to sell tickets!”
City of bridges? That would be Pittsburgh. This is the “big city of dreams,” as the Young Souljahs “Bridgeport Anthem” music video demonstrates.
Then there was King’s attire. A denim jacket that looked like something out of a 1989 L.A. Gear catalogue, covered in sequins and national monuments—Mt. Rushmore and the Iwo Jima statue. He carried four or five little American flags, a couple Italian flags, a few Puerto Rican flags and he was waving them all at the same time, the whole time he spoke. It made no sense at all, but it was wonderful.
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