Joe Lieberman VS Iran: 5 Other Things He Wants to Destroy

(Published in The Fairfield County Weekly) 6/14/07
According to the former democrat Joe Lieberman, the U.S. needs to bomb Iran soon. They’re apparently getting out of hand. Thank God he made his secret independent trip to Iraq that everyone knew about as soon as he arrived, because we wouldn’t know any of this without him. I mean, the man’s voice alone is mesmerizing, never mind his passionate inside information about Iran, a country we had no idea was a threat.

He said Sunday on the CBS interview show “Face the Nation” that there’s a base in Iran near the coast of Iraq that’s training soldiers to kill other soldiers. American ones. Like, 200 of them. It’s not that the recent death toll has made me numb to, say, other death tolls, but 200 isn’t that many.

“If they don’t play by the rules,” Lieberman said, “we’ve got to use our force.” Shockingly unaware until now that we’re at war, Lieberman is doing everything he can to make sure we all know he’s pissed at people who are pissed at Americans.
“If there’s any hope of the Iranians living according to the international rule of law and stopping, for instance, their nuclear weapons development,” he said, “We can’t just talk to them.”

Wait, we can’t? Oh right, the war thing. Yeah, you’re probably right. Bomb the shit out them, and don’t forget their families. But whatever you do, don’t talk to them, Joe. Sit in front of an American flag and talk to Bob Schieffer. He’ll televise it on a Sunday morning, and then by Monday the Iranians will know your plan. They’ll up the training power, build another nuclear weapon plant and put one of those nifty black bags over your head. Then you can talk to them. You brave, resourceful little white-haired man.

But Lieberman loves his country, aside from the fact that it allows porn on the internet, and he just wants to shield us from harm. He sees his window of bombing opportunity, and he wants to take it. And if he stays down there long enough, they might even let him push the button.

In fact, he told one of the Weekly’s many correspondents in Iraq, while on a short break at Baghdad Country Club, “I’m not going to say napalm is a good idea. But I will say that if you accidentally misquote me, it’ll sure look like I said that.”
As a sign of good faith, and in an effort to ensure everyone knows his plans before he acts, Sen. Lieberman sent the Weekly a list of 5 other “entities” he’d like to destroy, “As soon as Americanly possible.”

5.) All “Planet Earth” competition. I want to be able to know that when I pick up an HD DVD of an earth documentary, that it’s going to kick ass. I’m talking never-before seen footage, a clear picture, the whole thing. This is the only way to save “Planet Earth.”

4.) Gas stations. Do you even know how expensive gas is? Well, it’s crazy. I say we knock ‘em out one at a time, until we get to the top. Like Bruce Willis would.

3.) Dandelions. You know what I’m fucking talking about. Green is in, and together we can keep America’s lawns fashionable!

2.) McDonalds. My wife and I are going on a mission next month to Darfur to educate the people of the dangers of McDonalds soft-serve ice cream, which is gaining popularity at an alarming rate there.

1.) Immigration in Iraq. If I’ve learned anything here in Iraq at all, it’s that terrorists depend on people from other countries. Weapons, money, women. They don’t come from Iraq. I say, nobody gets let in who’s not already in. That way nobody can help the terrorists. Trust me, this one can work.